(PHASES) Phase 4: Good Days

We didn’t have many memories together,

but, I remember too much for my good.

They play out in the same routine;

You, raising my hopes high,

tipping over the peak,

painting a picture-perfect idea,

that you could not commit to.

You took off,

and left me to hang dry.

You had always been like this;

consistently maintaining a huge space in between us,

filled with things you lacked the courage to say,

blaming your recklessness on your flaws.

By the time I realised,

I was walking on a tightrope,

Caught between a rock and a hard place,

I crashed without a chance to choose.

Now, I’m stuck with our memories,

cosplaying Tree Gelbman,

my emotions starring as antagonists,

sinking with regret,

powerless to fight the pain,

watching it engulf me instead,

losing faith in the possibility of being in touch with myself again.

With every dose of misery,

the best pieces of me fall out.

Shamelessly, you remain heavy on my mind.

Passing through your city blinds me with wishful thinking,

that luck would be on my side,

and we would meet.

I would tell you all the things I’ve been dreaming to say,

while forcing back tears,

dismissing what’s left of my self-respect.

Months would pass by,

and I would finally decide to take the reins and move on,

I would no longer see fragments of you in people, places, and objects frequently.

Then, out of the blue,

someone would talk,

another would give your hazy laugh,

or have the subtle arc in your gait,

and every part of me would freeze,

lost in time,

unable to catch myself falling apart,

slipping away all over again,

The numbness keeps growing stronger,

these memories come back to haunt me,

until I’m forced to admit that I’m not ready to let go;

that nothing would ever go back to how it used to be.