Notes on Stillness

Ever since I entered my twenties, I don't think I've ever really experienced happiness for a long period of time. I know they say joy and happiness are not the same, because the former is timeless and permanent, compared to the latter. But, I don't want to get into that.

Have you ever felt like things were going so well, and suddenly time just stopped working in your favour? That’s exactly how I’ve felt for the longest while. It’s been four years now since I entered my twenty-somethings, and I’m not even exaggerating when I say that I’ve felt more hurt and pain than I’ve ever felt in my entire life.

I’ve had more depressive episodes than I could count, my anxiety worsened and like it couldn’t get any worse, I found out last year that I had ADHD. I would be lying if I didn’t say it didn’t affect my work ethic and my interests.

When I think about some of the things I used to be so passionate about, it feels like I’m in a glass box, watching things wilt and I can’t do anything to stop it. Most of the time, existing seems like an exhausting chore and I keep getting drained before I can finish the whole day.

Early last year, I had the worst sensory overload ever and had to go somewhere really quiet and cry. I remember feeling a weird pain in my throat and gasping for air before the tears came rushing out like I had been piling it up. It was truly one of the worst days of the year for me.

When this year started, I prayed and begged God not to make me one of his strongest soldiers, because I really had no energy left to fight. It’s ironic because if someone had told 18 or 19-year-old me that I would lose my fighting spirit, I would have denied it.

I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until I kept having the strongest urge to watch everything crumble around me. I just wanted everything to get destroyed down to the way i felt, so i could see how damaged I was physically and be free. But, the truth is what it is now. It has come to the point where what does not kill you doesn’t actually make you stronger. It ruins you deeply till the shege is properly layered.

The point is I was just tired. I still am, I still wonder when it’s all going to end. Up until April, I couldn’t define how I felt until saw someone tweet about craving stillness. I saw it and I thought, this is it. This is exactly what I want. No movement, just everything getting frozen in time. And, I don’t mean frozen in time, so I can escape. I mean the type of time loop that makes me finally skip to the part where I feel more happiness, and I’m healed to the point that I need to be.

There’s an Italian saying, "dolce far niente". It means the sweetness of doing nothing. To live in the moment, like every day is a holiday. I may not be able to live every day like that yet, but I want to try. I want to be intentional about sparking joy, and not waiting for it to come to me. I want to turn as many parts of my life as I can into my own holiday. I aspire to get to the point where I can just enjoy life without overthinking. I don’t want to feel so detached or numb that I lose the ability to reach out for and to myself.

I want to live a life of simplicity. I saw something in a series I watched about wanting to live as a verb and not a noun. I want to start with that. I don’t want to be solely defined by what I do, what I’m passionate about, or my beliefs. When I’m asked or when I think of what I do, I want to be able to say that I live simple for a living. I enjoy life for a living. Even better, I want it to show without me having to say it.

These days, I’ve been trying to simplify everything in my life. I’m working towards finding peace through the noise, through my intrusive thoughts. I’m learning to give myself grace, to release the baggage from the past that I’ve been holding onto. I don’t want to satisfy my curiosity about the tenets of human existence and whatnot, or how astrology works as an academic sugar tooth slash psychology hack. I’m learning that not every question has to be answered, and not everything has to be controlled. I’m too young to be obsessed with trying to have all the answers or explanations for the places I find myself in, especially in moments when I’m not proud of those places. Sometimes, there’s no gray area. It’s just black or white.

I’m unlearning that not every piece of knowledge has to be recycled, so it does not go to waste. Sometimes, it’s okay to touch grass, deflect, and be carefree about things and people. I’m unlearning to avoid confrontations and fight for the things I believe I desire, the same way I would fight for these things if it was for the people I care for. I’m learning to take things slow and not be so quick to get ahead of myself, because having zeal does not mean you’ll always get what you desire.

This is what stillness means to me, peace. Aside from the fact that it would do a lot of good to my nervous system and mental health, I just want peace and no stress like wizkid. I hope I have the courage to practice it and when I practice it, I hope I have the resources (emotional, mental & miscellaneous) to sustain it. I hope that these things do not just remain as mere words. I don’t want ever want to look back at my twenties and feel clouded with darkness or heavy with regrets about how much was stolen from me.

I know this year will be different, and it’s not too late to reach that level of peace I need. On that note, I want to say cheers in advance, to myself. Cheers to achieving this and taking in the process. I look forward to reaching that point where I won’t have to search desperately for it anymore, where it’ll become easy to experience it in the little things too.