Heal

Why does God take the good ones? Seyi could not understand it. The same God that Temi had insisted on, died for us and told us that he loved us, loved Temi. The same one that found it easy to take Temi away from her.

She had never been a staunch believer in Christianity, but her friend had been one. Temi never missed the opportunity to talk to her about God. Like the disparity in their faith, Temi had always felt out of reach and out of the league for her. They were too different, and they didn’t have a lot in common.

She remembers the first time they met like it was the day before. Temi sat beside her for a lecture. She had a pink dress on, her skin was quite fair and she had an unnecessary peachy look. When she asked about the course, she smiled way too much for Seyi. She gave too much detail about everything, about being a little clumsy, how her get friends ran away from this course to an easier one and her cousin who was Seyi’s namesake.

Seyi didn’t understand why Temi asked for her number without hesitation. How could she be so trusting with a stranger? She found it ridiculous. Now that she thought about it, Seyi realised that she didn’t just have this impression of Temi, because of how ridiculous she assumed it to be, back then. Seyi had been curious too.

She had wanted to understand why Temi was the way she was. Perhaps it was the type of people she surrounded herself with. She must have been brought up with the idea that she could get anything she wanted.

When Temi invited her to get-togethers and sleepovers with her friends, she remembered feeling small. She would withdraw and watch them distantly. All of a sudden, Temi would put her on the spot, so she had no choice but to participate.

It was one of the things she grew to love about her. Temi knew how to draw people into her world, without making them lose themselves. She made her feel seen, aware of the things she never thought she liked. It was through Temi that she knew she loved volunteering in orphanages. Because of Temi, she had learned about her soft spot for children, her favourite ice cream flavour, her fashion style, and the values she stood for. Temi made her discover that she could dream as far as she wanted to, regardless of how much faith her parents didn’t put in her.

Most of the time, she did not need to say it. Temi always showed how much she wanted the best for her. She cooked for her whenever she ran out of money, invited her to church, and read with her frequently when she could have read with her other friends instead. Temi was the only good thing that she had in her life. Seyi embraced everything about her because Temi was perfect to her. In her eyes, she would always be.

However, Seyi embraced everything about Temi except God. When it came to her faith, things were not that simple. Before she knew what Christianity was, Seyi had known about God. Seyi’s father, the founder of their family’s church always made sure of it.

Even at that, she struggled. It was not because she didn’t want to believe that there was such an entity. It was the fact that the same God constantly watched her mom take advantage of her dad. The worst part was that he knew and looked away from it. When people came to him for counselling, he was incorruptible and discerning in judgement. But, he would become weak when he was with her mom, and act like everything was fine. He ignored the men that always came to pick her up, her late nights, and the insults she hurled at him relentlessly.

Several times, she prayed and begged God for a change to no avail. The more she saw, the more she couldn’t stand going to church. She became livid and scared. She didn’t want to become a shell of herself, like her dad, because of love. And, if serving God could not protect her from losing herself to the people she cared about, she did not see any reason to keep her faith.

For a long time, she had felt this way. But, things changed when she met Temi. Temi was an exception, and Seyi never forgot to remind herself of it. It made her stay guarded and reminded her that she could never end up like her dad. Deep down, she knew she would never be deserving of Temi too.

At every point, she did her best to keep her distance. Yet, Temi held onto her tighter. She kept waiting for her, even after the fight they had that night. Temi kept waiting, even in her actions. Now that she thinks of it, she should have opened up that night when Temi had asked why she built a wall between them. She should have prayed with Temi when she asked her that night.

After that night, nothing was the same between them. Temi didn’t push her to do things anymore. When Temi invited Seyi on occasion, she would add that it was okay if Seyi didn’t want to come. Temi was always one to insist, and cajole you or persuade you to see the reasons why something was good for you. But, she didn’t do that anymore. Seyi knew that there was no one to blame but herself.

Although there were times Seyi wanted to tell Temi that she missed the way they were, she couldn’t bring herself to tell her. It killed Seyi to keep these things away from her. By the third week, she couldn’t bear it anymore. She needed to find the courage to tell Temi how she really felt before they graduated. So, she made a promise to tell Temi in whatever way she could.

However, life has a way of playing jokes on us. Life couldn’t take her mom. No. It had to be the one person she cared about the most in the world. It had to be when she wanted to make things right. It had to be when she wanted to stop Temi from ceaselessly waiting for her.

Perhaps if she had found a way to stop her from sleeping through the night, Temi would have been with her at this moment. She blamed herself, life and then God. If she ever wanted to go back to her faith, this would have been the best time. If God wanted to take anyone away, it should have been her, because, unlike her, Temi had so much to offer. Temi was going to impact the world.

Seyi had not only lost Temi, she had lost herself. She couldn’t bring herself to go to her funeral. She felt stupid at how much she assumed that Temi would be here forever. She thought she had all the time she wanted. There were so many things she had wanted to tell Temi, but she didn’t get the chance to. She never even got the chance to say goodbye, even if it wasn’t one of those things she wanted to say.

She could not live with them. The what-ifs, the longing, life without Temi. Life had become more miserable ever since. When people laughed or smiled, she became angry. How could they laugh like that when she was in pain? It was like nothing happened like Temi never existed. How could they talk about something bad they experienced light-heartedly? Whatever they felt, it would never be like what she was feeling.

She would never move on. She would never stop beating herself up about how much she didn’t tell Temi that she loved her. Seyi’s grief was the only thing she had left of her. The clothes, jottings and little pieces of other things she left around in her place were not enough.

With every day that passes, she feels distant from her. Temi’s clothes are slowly losing her scent, and this seems like the only thing she can hold onto. She will never pretend like everything is going well. She will keep sending Temi texts and watching videos of her. She will display her loss for the whole world to see her shame. Her regret would only seep into her dreams or wishes to spend one more day with Temi. It would stick around, weight-heavy like a big label on her.

Intermission

For everyone who tries to fix her or rub off their positive toxicity on her, she would remind them of the things that can hurt them, and scream about how she doesn’t need their unsolicited advice. To others, it might have been three years ago since she lost Temi. To her, it will always be yesterday, the month before graduation, and three weeks after their fight.

There might have been a few joyous occasions since Temi left, and there might be more to come. Still, they will always be tainted by the fact that she’s not here to enjoy it with her.

Nevertheless, time has passed, and Seyi often wonders what it would be like to live without feeling weary. She knows that if Temi was here, she would utterly disapprove of her guilt. Temi would tell her that she cannot continue living like this. Temi would pray that she gathers the strength to move on. Hope came easily to Temi. It was her thing, but Seyi wanted to know and experience it too.

To take away the pain, she took up the things Temi loved doing. Planning parties, living in her dream house, going to spend holidays with Temi’s family, volunteering in church, and building a relationship with God.

She had promised herself that she would feel nothing but guilt and regret, but it made everything bleaker. It was bad enough that she was always reminded how she lived a life without Temi in it. She could not take the misery that came with dwelling on negativity, each time she remembered Temi.

How long would it take to feel better? Will she ever meet someone better? Seyi asks herself these questions every day. Sometimes, she thinks about what it would feel like to believe she could ever be happy like that with someone again, to be assured that good things can last. Maybe she might get lucky, and meet someone who grows to be not just a friend, but an actual family— someone to call home.