These Days
Forgive me, if I break the rules of semantics here. This is a product of my raw emotions, so I would be expressing myself unapologetically.
It’s some hours after my birthday. I’m playing Tems’ These Days. This is not my first time listening to it, but it hits different this time. It hits me on so many levels and places me on the spot. Like the runner that I am, I struggle with that vulnerable side of me trying to come out, trying to find some clarity. I fight it like I’ve been fighting it the day before. I fight until I succumb and I’m alone with my thoughts.
I’m thinking of how the song speaks to me about unrequited love. You must be thinking...yeah I know what you’re about to say. Well, I’m taking you by surprise because it’s not a love story a pretty boy who broke my heart by leaving me hanging. Instead, it’s about the people I care about and I. Yesterday, I was expecting a lot of wishes from a lot of people. Pardon my corny attitude, but I like adoration. I’m not talking about the kind of adoration that happens when a hot girl walks into the room, and all eyes turn to her, and she loves it. I’m talking about people genuinely praising me for my genuineness towards them and my heart. I mean that kind of adoration purely given out of lasting affection. But, you know what happens when you keep your hopes too high? Ninety per cent of the time you waste your time. If that doesn’t happen to you frequently, good for you. I envy you.
Like Tems says, I knew your love was trouble and you were never humble. I’ve been hurt a lot of times, so my default emotion is being unavailable. It’s funny that as a Gemini, I’m accused of being emotionally detached when the actual truth is that it’s hard for people to keep up. I love to keep my expectations low on a lot of things, and that includes love. Yet, when it comes to my friends and my acquaintances, there’s a deliberately undeliberate exception. I love them and I would low key go the extra mile to make them happy. I may not call, text or create enough time for us to hang out, but it doesn’t change anything.
When I evaluate both sides, it’s hard to say they would do the same though. For many, we talk randomly because of events we do together. For some, we talk because we’re stuck in a place where we kinda have to see ourselves almost every week. Others are people I talk to because they need something from me— either someone to kill time with, lend money from, send thirsty comments to or rant to about a problem. The rest are the very few I talk to for no reason. Those few are the ones that get into conversations because they just want to talk randomly, laugh and joke about things we both vibe to. Asides from those few, I can’t say I’m sure anymore of any other. The funny thing is, I can smell which is fake from afar, and decipher when our energy doesn’t mix. Still, I go-ahead to keep on spreading my love all over. For a smartass like myself, I choose to be blinded by my soul search for the good in people. My child-like heart won’t accept defeat the easy way. And it undermines me. I have an undeniable ability to motivate anyone, I won’t lie. But, it can be draining when your giving does not measure up with what you receive.
Don't get into the mistake of misunderstanding my intentions. I love to give, yet I want to receive some of that affection too. That unsurpassing type of devotion is what I crave for. Is it too much to ask? I've seen people with little or no value for affection enjoy it at its finest. I've seen people who probably understood its value, yet they didn't go through so much to get it. So I ask again. Is it that bad to reach for something so high? Is it wrong to ask for a taste? I know the worth of my affection. It's one of a kind and trust me, I do not brag when I say so. I've seen people get high on it. I've seen them quiver in satisfaction at its intensity. So, I know what I mean when I say that I want what I want. But, I know I'm playing myself when I decide to raise my expectations. So, I can't wait for these days, because they just remind me of how painful it is to wait aimlessly. I think of these days as sequences of future nostalgia that break my heart again and again. I don't need foresight, I already know the outcome. I don’t need to ask if they'll feel the game or if they'll be with me till the grave. I already know the answer so far. These days will neither turn to nights that'll be made out of stars for me nor times that'll show me just how loyal people can be. Tems has said so, and I've held onto it with my heart. However, I'm running out of options.
To some extent, I blame myself. I ask for the things I can’t keep up with. The things I can’t commit to even if I choose to. I don’t lie to myself about my limitations, so I work on myself as much as I can. But, when exactly will the law of the 'unconditional' apply to me and my flaws?
You know what? At this point, I’m bringing out another part of Tems' lyrics. "It’s a New Day". I’m not going to wait anymore. I’m not going to endure these days anymore. If there’s anything I’ve learnt. If there’s anything I’m good at. I know when to stop depending on people to inspire my happiness. I know when to let my self-motivation put in the work. I’m going to trust the process. I’ll do anything but settle. The only time I’ll be doing the opposite is when I realise that I might be the one plunging in the wrong direction. So far, I’ve been really self-conscious about that. I’m not perfect, but I’m not blaming myself. I want to be selfish about where my affection reaches and my happiness.
If you have a few people coming up in your life and they turn out to be as you hoped, treat them with kindness. I don't think there should be restrictions to how you express your love for the people you care about, as long you're sure it's reciprocated. I have a few I'm grateful for, and I hope our friendship never dies. But, if it does, I'll still hold them dear to me as a memory. That's all it would be. And if fate can be kind to us, I’ll be overjoyed if our friendship is rekindled on mutual grounds. It does not change the fact that I want more than this though.
Meanwhile, if you’re in my shoes that makes two of us too. I’m not exactly that person with the best advice right now. It might be tempting because it looks like the perfect kind of escape, but you don’t want that. Settling for less. You don’t want people reducing you to trivial talks and crooked stories when things go south. Thrive on your own terms. And as you work on your emotional needs and every other part of your life, stay patient. Be grateful for the little things— your family, virtues, the good in humanity that springs up when a global or national issue arises. Fill that void with something else that you’re passionate about until your fondness radar goes up for the right people. The wait is endless, but you’ll find those people who’ll treat you like you’ve always wanted and more. It’s only a matter of time for us. These days would soon be over. Love and Light.
P. S. If you read this, and you know me, please don't patronise me. Do not treat me differently if it never occurred to you. I'm allergic to that kind of charity.
