Father’s Day

My ex-wife, Stacy, and I separated after four years of marriage. Before we started seeing each other, she already had a son from a previous marriage. She was forced to independently take care of her son, Nathaniel, because his father couldn’t care less about his well-being.

When we got married, things started off pretty well. A year later, we welcomed another child, Tiana. Stacy was the breadwinner of our family, and I had my own food business going on too. We both respected each other's choices and did our best to support each other in love. But, love has never been enough to sustain anything good. With love comes effort and intentionality.

She was always busy with work, and it was not like I didn't respect her ambitions, but she would always put them before our family. We could have a family dinner planned out or some reservation at a restaurant, and she would tell us, only at the last minute, that something came up at work. It was always a work dinner, a business trip, a crucial meeting or something else going on. She did her best to be present, but her intentions could not count anymore when they were not being followed up with actual actions.

Already, Nathaniel had been acting weird. He kept to himself a lot, and barely acted surprised when Stacy couldn't make it for our family plans. She had been doing this for a long time, with him too.

When we were seeing each other, Stacy had raised that her work could be quite demanding, but I didn't think it would be that serious. I thought we could make it work as long as we were willing to compromise.

Still, things didn't work out and nothing changed even when I brought it up or asked Stacy how we could make things better. So, I had to make a tough decision. I asked for a divorce and insisted on taking full custody of the children. It was a long fight, but Stacy eventually gave in.

Nathaniel, Tiana and I relocated from Lagos to Ibadan, to have a peaceful life. At first, it affected my business. I had to start another branch from the scratch without a very grounded plan. It was a lot to deal with while learning ways to balance my business and spending quality time with my children.

Stacy came to visit monthly, even though it was not consistent. Whenever she missed her visits, Tiana would cry and throw tantrums for a while. It took studying her hobbies and trying to cheer her up with the things she liked doing to get her back to normal.

In the beginning, I hated her visits because there was no guarantee. Stacy was great with the children, but her visits were like some kind of gamble. We all had to hope that she would come each time while maintaining no expectations simultaneously.

I always noticed a drop in my mood when her monthly visits were getting close by. I got torn between letting the kids see their mother because they needed her, and wondering if this betting game was worth it for all of us.

Nathaniel didn't seem to bother about how frequently she came, but it still got me worried. So, I took him for counselling for as long as I could. Slowly, he started talking more and took care of Tiana better when I was not around.

Not quite long after our split, Stacy got together with another person. It messed up my mind, and there was a lot of passive-aggressiveness involved. I had to feign indifference with her and the kids. I couldn't let my children get the wrong idea about how to behave from me. Yes, I was the one that asked for a divorce, but I hadn't let go of her yet. Having to see her come visit with that knowledge was hard. But, it was refreshing when I finally got over her. I felt relieved.

However, Stacy was not the only reason I struggled at first. I can't count how many times I had to pretend to be strong for my children. I could have had one terrible day at work, and as I'm going to pick my kids, I'll start prepping on how to act with them, so I don't look weak.
When the pressure got worse, I began to rely more on Nathaniel to take care of his sister, when I was not around. I made sure he had music lessons too and ensured Tiana joined social activities in school too. I didn't notice that I was starting to set so many expectations on both of them, especially Nathaniel. I honestly just wanted the best for them, but they were getting suffocated by the pedestals I put them on. Thankfully, his counsellor brought it to my attention and I started putting myself on the check.

At that point, I decide to visit a psychologist. Talking to people and putting up an act was no longer cutting it. I knew that I needed to do better.

Intermission

It's been ten years now, and we've grown into getting used to each other's company. A lot of things have changed since then, but everything is still not rosy. I still argue with Tiana about her bedtime, and the three of us still argue about the amount of time they use on their devices. We've moved from sleeping together in the same bed to measuring how many cuddles we should give each other in public, because of their friends. We don't see eye to eye sometimes, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

On some days, things are fun and endlessly wonderful. On other days, it gets hellish and dramatic, and I wish I could have avoided such situations. Yet, other times could be boring and basic, and there's nothing much to do. There's never one constant thing going on because it's always a rollercoaster. Because of this, I find it easier to embrace things I cannot control. In the end, I'm just doing my best to crush everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

One of the problems as a single father is having people second guess me. Whenever I go to the market, people always doubt me when I ask for a particular clothing size or shoe size for Stacy. Sometimes, doctors who have attended to us would ask about their mom, whenever they were to schedule an appointment. When we were travelling out on vacation, they would ask about their mother or a mother's consent form. If I told them that I was a single father, they start answering us slower or telling us to wait for a while.
With school, things are slightly better. But, I still feel the eyes of other parents on me when I attend PTA meetings or school programs. It's like people keep waiting for me to make a great mistake with my family or something.

Regardless, I've come to a point where I don't care about what people say behind my back, but there are a few times when it can weigh on me. Like I'm here, doing my best as a father when several men wouldn't bat an eye if their child dies or ends up becoming a miscreant. I do my best to show up for my family, and people doubt my competence over and over again. It can be frustrating when people rubbish your efforts and the value you're trying to add as a dad.

In those moments, I think of my children and they remind me of how far we have come. There’s one thing I tell myself. If I, as an orphan, could go from believing I was incapable of giving the love that I never received, to building such love with my family, then there’s nothing I cannot achieve.
I’m grateful for my friends who do their best to support me. I’ve heard a couple of fathers talk about how some of their friends deserted them, how some just wanted them to move on and find another partner as if nothing happened, or how they felt alone. I feel privileged knowing that I have never had to experience that with my friends. Whenever my work starts piling up, they offer to have Nathaniel and Tiana over. I can talk to them about what’s going on with the children and me too.

Meanwhile, I’ve not found someone serious yet. In the past, I had a lot of flings and created borderline boundaries, so it never afflicted my children. One of them almost turned into a relationship, but I found out that she just wanted someone to be responsible for her financial needs. I was heartbroken, but I got over it.
I’ve also tried to date again, and I found myself getting attracted to other single parents too. Maybe because it’s easier for me to understand them and vice-versa. But, there has still been nothing serious and I’m not in a rush. For now, my children and my business are my top priority and I’m fine with that. When I finally meet someone I like enough to add to my priorities, I won’t hesitate.