2020

That’s the back of my head. Yes, it is. So, it just happens that my posterior can be artistic too. I guess anything is possible with the sun. Each time, I’ve considered doing this, I throw that thought in the trash. Rather than putting myself in the centre, I prefer talking about other people. It’s also because my brain does a better job at expressing myself inwardly. I admit that part of the reason might be that I set quite the standard for myself. I admire the ones that attract bigger prospects, and I hate settling. Hence, I don’t think I’ve reached the point where I should be talking about things that are personal to me. The common code is to save it for when you’re successful and living life.

Moreover, I concluded that there’s too much risk involved. Oversharing, getting overwhelmed with the fear that my vulnerability could be taken advantage of, my perspective about life being disregarded. Oh, there’s the sympathy too. I don’t dig it. I think people should empathise more because the idea around sympathy is shaky. There’s a high tendency for us to lose sight and get comfort from looking down on others. That’s not sympathy, that’s a distasteful emotion called stroking one’s ego.

Regardless, I’m fully aware that I owe it to myself. So, I’m throwing caution to the wind and doing it anyway. I hope I don’t regret it, and I hope you have something beautiful to resonate with somewhere in the middle.

GETTING THE GROOVE ON
The first quarter of the year was really promising. I met a decent number of new people during my internship. Every day, I juggled between two far ends every morning to work. I went around without my glasses, yet luck was on my side. It didn’t matter though, as long as it was worth it. In between work, I met someone. Do you know how they say the best are the ones we never see coming? I second that. Our chemistry was tight, I won’t even deny it. We got along too easily and too well, it made me uncomfortable. It was good while it lasted, but I sabotaged it, like I mostly do. Although, it was slightly different this time. It was the beginning of the year and I was high on my resolutions. Getting seriously committed was not part of my priorities. Too soon, I spoke.

A TASTE OF MY OWN MEDICINE
Life was good, I was starting to feel like everything could come together. After my internship, I had hardly settled down back in school, before Covid-19 came up. It didn’t occur to me that things were going to aggravate this much. I went back home and kept waiting for when things would get better. I didn’t know karma had other plans for me.

I blacked out. I still think that the lockdown was my karma. My body had been giving telltale signs a while ago that I needed a break from everything, and my mind was breaking off. I had ignored it earlier on. I thought I could hold on a little longer. One more thing, and I'll stop. I don't know if I just enjoyed the thrill of staying strong through it or something.

Whenever I tried to shut it out, things took a bad turn. I had to put a brake on every one of my engagements. Everything I was passionate about almost didn’t matter anymore. In the midst of it all, I missed opportunities and connections that could have been life-changing. I couldn’t explain it to people who cared to ask. I didn’t see the point. Staying on social media was not an option either. I tried a consulting service and regretted it immediately. Nothing worked. For a staunch supporter of mental health, I felt like a joke.

FEEDING DISTRACTIONS
The pandemic escalated quickly, and I couldn’t go anywhere to unwind as an escape. The only place I could go was in my head, so I was compelled to listen to myself frequently. What do you do when your mind is not having it? You divert your attention to suppress the chaos. Music was my go-to. It has always been when I needed to find relief. Music really does come through. It does a great deal of healing. Maybe I could curate my playlist, or not.

At that time, I felt like I could connect better with music than people. It didn’t make things completely better, but things became less fuzzy. And, I could pick my thoughts clearly, bit by bit. So, I listened. I would listen and write my way to closure about him on one side, and my individuality on the other. Other times, movies and serial jokes to myself were my getaways. If there was anything good that stood out, it had to be my bias for Korea’s entertainment industry. It is such a flex.

A BREATHER
Breather. This word has to be one of my favourite words from last year, and it has come to stay. Breathers are bae. Breathers are cool. Life can be stressful, have some breathers once in a while. I went on a family vacation. It was the break I needed to pull through slowly— to get a hold of whatever was going on. It was nice to see places again. Colours fascinated me more than usual, and I started taking pictures. Before I knew it, it became a hobby for me. When I got back, I began to get a hang of it.

These are some of the pictures I took, for your fancy.

PAYING MY DUES
In Psychology, there’s something called your shadow self. It’s a part of you that you’re not or you choose not to be conscious of. It’s who you are behind closed doors. When you’re not overcompensating yourself, when people are not around, that’s who you are. The only way to face our vices and emotional baggage is to come to terms with our shadow self. When we don’t admit it, we become at war with our mind. We starve our souls, give leverage to our demons and kill ourselves slowly. Starving ourselves of the growth we deserve is depreciating our sense of self.

We can’t negotiate with it. We can ignore it and hope it goes away. It’s unavoidable. It’s the reason we can’t have others do the work we’re supposed to do for ourselves. I knew that accepting my shadow self meant that I had to unlearn and learn some more. However, learning the right thing is not hard. Putting in the work to make it a reality is the issue. I knew that I had to be serious about the change I needed. I was just not inspired to give my time and effort. Evolving to the best of you is all good. Still, it comes with more responsibilities and burdens— the things our bad habits don’t weigh us down with. It was either I stayed lost and stuck indefinitely or wade through the crossfire at this moment and heal.

The answer was glaring, but I was struggling to decide. While I was still contemplating, my phone preferred to test my patience. It took up a mind of its own, and I lost several of my writings I didn’t backup like film trick. You know that point where you’ve seen too much for anything to faze you? That was my zone. Honest to God, I didn’t even have the strength to react. I just took my L quickly and moved on. There was no point hesitating any longer. I just resolved that if the crossfire didn’t come to me, I would go to it willingly.

PEOPLE
Even when I don’t believe it, I believe that I’m blessed with people I don’t deserve. People who are supportive no matter what. I’m grateful for them, grateful to call them my friends. My friends are actually so cool and lit. Occasionally, my mind plays tricks on me and makes me think contrary. And, I might not show it as much, inspite of that, I love them so much. They may not be hotshots now, but watch their space.

For the longest time, I’ve had problems sustaining friendships because, I hate handling the expectations that comes with. Even so, no one is an island. I can’t be self-sufficient on my own all the time. I know that I can be difficult to be with. I may seem detached when I’m distant, but I swear my feelings are consistent. If I have to try harder to communicate to the people I care about, I’ll compromise. I won’t go the ends of the earth and back, I’m not Superman. But, I’ll do better.

For my friends who particularly made things better, this is for you;

Rory
Rory is the definition of the expression "Kill 'em with kindness." Kind-hearted to a fault, but the savagery in her words cut deep and makes up for it. She’s a true oilist too. She pours out genius ideas as fast as anything. Rory was there for me every time. She called when I didn’t, listened to me say nonsense and cheered me on. I’m grateful for her, and I’m sorry it took this long. I love you.

Shola
Shola is one of those people person with the superpower to make people feel so good about themselves. Shola and I may not keep in touch in a while, yet when we catch up, it never gets awkward. Smooth energy everywhere. Thank you for those exclusive, high-quality recipes too. Love you.

Richmond
Richmon made me understand that love didn’t have to go through only one route. It could be passionate, inevitable and indispensable. Yet, it could be calm, persevering and heartwarming as well.
I’m thankful for knowing you. You’re so honest, kind and loyal. Thank you for listening, for willing to know every inch of me. Thank you for being there. I hope you see how effortlessly invaluable you are. I hope you see how invaluable you are better than I do.

Mercy
Mercy and I go from way back in secondary school. Reaching out to someone who attracts a whole league of people from different walks of life can be such a chore. Even at that, I'm grateful that we managed to stay together all this time. My smart-money woman, the life of the party. Thank you for the adventures. With you, life is never boring. You're such a vibe. I love you.

Francis
I just want to tell everyone that Francis loves me very much, and he thinks I’m awesome (LOL). Francis is my one-size-fits-all. My unofficial shrink, my music connoisseur and gist pal. He would listen to me rant and rave about too much. We get each other. With him, I feel like I’m not so misunderstood. May we have more of those therapeutic sessions. Thank you for showing up, when I didn’t know that I needed it.

Family
I'll be lying if I say I'm not as shocked as you are. I never assumed I would ever put my family on such a pedestal. If you have Nigerian parents, you would understand where I'm coming from especially. We all know that the love we show towards family come as criticisms, expensive jokes, and insignificant gestures of affection here and there. It is an old, implicit rule that has been passed from generation to generation.

I’m really grateful for my family. I had a lot of things I was conflicted about in the past. Nonetheless, I’m at a point where I’ve accepted that things cannot always be perfect. So, even in our flaws, we try to reach out and understand each other. They didn’t know what I was going through, yet seeing their faces from time to time went a long way for me.

SO IT GOES...
As the year came to an end, I could hardly say I did anything greatly productive career-wise. All the same, I’ve told myself that growth is never monotonous and believing otherwise is seeking validation. I had my fair share of lessons to grow from; like refusing to show face to people who take my kindness for granted. Embracing the depths of my mind and emotions too. Asking for help. Finding balance, clarity and introspection in everything.

I’m willing to do anything to guard my mental space. I don’t have big plans for this year. I’ve not completely figured out what I want either. I don’t think anything would be the same anymore for me. What I know is that I’m going to be selfish about staying sane. I don’t care what it takes. I’m sorry, I have no extravagant quotes to give.

This is out of context, but I wrote a bunch of heartfelt new year wishes for anyone who took the time to read this far. I hope you like it.

“During this holiday season, I sincerely hope you’re taking some time to relax and take a breather. Thank you for reading my review.
No doubt, 2020 was a lot to handle— positively and negatively too. Through it all, I believe that being alive is a great gift that cannot measure up with anything else. Dreams can only be lived up to when there’s life. Hence, I’m grateful for the gift of life you’ve been blessed with.
As 2021 takes off, it might be unclear and probably quite early to assume that this year would be the start of something better. Yet, we can only hope for good things.
For this reason, I hope for strength, that you may recover from the losses you went through this year. May the spirit of resilience be in your favour, so you don’t struggle to get through when nothing almost seems promising.
May your resolutions strive, and not fall through in this year. May you remain furnished with the faith and confidence you need to thrive. May the New year give you a beautiful future to hold onto. May 2021 not fall short of ushering in the good things. May the good things never cease for you, for everything you commit to and every single person you hold dear to your heart— for posterity.
I hope that these wishes will not only be a good start, but also a good luck for every quarter of your year. On this note, I wish you a happy new month.”